I'll have to give Judd Apatow credit for trying to provide an answer to the question, “What’s so funny about the pandemic?” Apatow responded with “The Bubble”, which is a fairly long reposte that basically means, “Not a damn thing.” Apatow was like me, in a way – during COVID, we were both inside, reading incredulous stories about how the cast and crew for “Jurassic World: Dominion” developed a testing and quarantine system on the fly to finish what was no doubt going to be a culturally and socially significant masterpiece. Apatow, in a bit of gutsy and maybe unearned hubris, felt like he was meant to be the guy to mock this. And Netflix, presumably, gave him the money and trusted his corona-melted judgment.
This is a Hollywood satire of which many are familiar, where each character is a “type.” Karen Gillian, given nothing to do really, is the actress who aimed for stardom and was humbled by failure. Pedro Pascal, sweaty and unconvincing, is the high-functioning addict. As a high maintenance, arrogant, intellectually-abrasive leading man, David Duchovny is, more or less, playing Edward Norton. Apatow regulars and family members Leslie Mann and their daughter Iris are, respectively, Duchovny’s love interest and a TikTok star cast for her followers more than her talent. Keegan Michael-Key is basically the hippie. And I hate to say this, but Fred Armisen has no idea how to play his insufferably careerist Sundance grad, coming from the low budget world to direct a big studio movie – he starts at cartoon level and build to an entirely different cartoon level.
The “Jurassic” analog they’re making is something called “Cliff Beasts 6”. The first tip-off that they haven’t done their homework is the fact that a part six in any megafranchise would have a colon and/or a title alteration. A more believable title would be “Cliff/Beasts: The Mountaintop” or something. It’s unclear as to whether the cliff beasts are dinosaurs, or where they come from, though they pretty much just went with “dinosaurs”. One of the film’s bizarre streaming-era touches is that a lot of money is spent on the farcical but generally witless recreations of “Cliff Beasts 6” we’re forced to watch, none of which give any idea as to how this series made its way to six films. Why must they always end up on cliffs? What do the cliffs have to do with beasts? What are these beasts if not dinosaurs? If this is part six, why does it feel like it’s only crossing things off a list of things you’d see in one (perhaps the first) “Cliff Beasts” movie? “Jurassic World: Dominion” is pretty terrible (I’ll be reviewing it at some point) but it has a number of really bizarre locations and plot developments that would have to happen only in part six of a movie series that has gone far off the reservation. I dunno, if you have a movie within a movie, I expect you to do the work.
At this point, Apatow has a host of funny friends to call on for short appearances. The varied likes of Vir Das, Peter Serafinowicz, Maria Bakalova, Kate McKinnon, Samson Kayo, Maria Bamford, Rob Delaney and John Lithgow are among the stars who waltz into the film, though most of what they do is formless improv (and, due to the pandemic, a lot of it is done on greenscreen). There’s a dunderheaded cameo by James McAvoy that tries to squeeze a joke out of McAvoy’s association with his own franchise, the X-Men films — not only is it a toothless gag (even though the movie is meaner to the actors involved in these merry-go-rounds than it is to the executives who demand these movies be cranked out quickly and sans flavor), but McAvoy is a remarkably poor choice, considering the varied high profile work he’s done outside of playing everyone’s second-favorite Professor Xavier.
Like Albert Brooks in the maligned “Looking For Comedy In The Muslim World”, Apatow ventured into the pandemic in search of laughs, and maybe he deserves credit for that. A little. Not much. But the result is almost entirely laughless. The jokes between characters are stale Hollywood gags about actors stained by vanity and substance abuse. The set pieces poking fun at the absurdity of pandemic quarantine rules are stillborn, and it definitely feels like a “too soon” thing. But people forced to isolate alone for days on end, constant social distancing, nasal swabs – in no era would this stuff prompt a laugh.
Like all Apatow joints, this one unreasonably crosses the two hour mark. Apatow has never before been guilty of so much filler, however. Several times, he resorts to a fruitless dance sequence just to burn time, adding nothing to the characterizations or story. There are multiple sequences where Apatow captures his daughter Iris performing an elaborate TikTok routine, involving characters who otherwise seem above such an activity. The most bewildering moment is when the cast and crew of “Cliff Beasts 6” gets to enjoy a performance by Beck, beamed in via Zoom. Beck, who has no real jokes, sings to a prerecorded beat into the camera, but instead of one of his many hits, he performs “Ladies’ Night” by Kool and the Gang, while everyone does a goofy dance. I really do enjoy Beck’s music, but why does this moment exist? And why does it last so long? I believe the kids say “cringe” these days.
The topic, for better or worse (worse), reminds me of toilets. While I’m certain it is not the same all over the Bureau of Prisons, there is something distinct about a prison toilet. In truth, because I was in low security institutions, we had relatively normal toilets, normal bathrooms and stalls. None had toilet paper, so you had to carry your own roll. But as long as there wasn’t a lot of toilet traffic, you were free to sit on the seat and take care of your needs. Keep in mind, these bathrooms were all-male affairs, and were not cleaned often, so, you should know to expect some viking-level hygiene.
But, as described here, toilets in environments with cells (like the SHU) were a different matter, and these were usually in jails and holding facilities. Those have the familiar structure of the toilet/sink combination, the cold metal seats, the loud, hard flush, one that has to be employed frequently for the sake of etiquette in small spaces. Those cells are often two-man arrangements, and the two of you are often locked-in together, for a couple hours at a time, and all night. It is humiliating to relieve yourself in the company of another person (particularly if you are not the one on the bottom bunk), and it’s the perfect way to build conflict. Which is how the officers like it. In one holding center, no officer had told me what I found out the hard way — the toilet was only to be flushed three times an hour. Consider what this means on a sore stomach, when locked in a tight room with another person, one who likely has a violent background. That is most certainly what the institutions prefer.
So that movie looks fun… but the toilets seem terrifying.
I completely missed this one but it feels like a skip. Your review does not sound encouraging.