Birdemic 2: The Resurrection/Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle

And How Prisons Deal With The Environment

If you love bad movies, you have to LOVE bad movies. NO half-measures – you have to experience trash to find the diamond in the rough, a diamond that is, superficially, pretty similar to the rest of what we locate in said rough. People who love completely garbage cinema will gladly extol the virtues of 2010’s “Birdemic: Shock And Terror”, James Nguyen’s gleefully incompetent gonzo masterpiece. I myself own a copy on DVD. It may be the gold standard of truly maddening bad movies. If you have seen Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”, that particular picture is to “Birdemic” what “Rashomon” is to, say, “The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure”. It is immaculate, and cannot be recreated.

Nguyen, nonetheless, tried twice. “Birdemic 2: The Resurrection” was released shortly before my incarceration, and thus is technically ineligible for this particular experiment. But discuss it we will, if only to find a way to bring proper perspective to this maddening creative exercise. Because “Birdemic 2” shows that Nguyen proudly, and somewhat profoundly, derived no lessons from the enthusiastically derisive reception of the first “Birdemic”. Any adjustment that has been made is a turn for the worse. What was charmingly inept is now cynically inept. There’s a fine line. 

The sequel follows shortly after the events of the first film, and a good half of the runtime is spent allowing curtain call returns from pretty much the entire cast of the part one, plot be damned. Nguyen is nothing if not loyal. Rod and Nathalie, the couple from the first film, largely hand the film off to a couple of new characters, a theoretically-charming filmmaker and a waitress who might be his new muse. They are both photogenic and, obviously, completely devoid of charisma, and we have to wait around until they basically cosplay the romantic arc of the first movie once again. This is not accurate, but it seemed as if there were at least six sit-down meals in the movie’s first hour.

Like “Shock And Terror”, “The Resurrection” believes it’s being clever by waiting before the eventual bird attacks – and yes, they’re still screensaver-level gifs which in no way interact with the scenes around them, as they were in the first film. In addition to the various discussions about global warming (which characters digest as if this is a Fun New Fact about the world and the general idea had never crossed their mind), there is a sidebar to discuss the prehistoric roots of birds. This allows for some particularly odd digressions, as if Nguyen thought, “Birds evolved from dinosaurs, maybe there’s something there.” Somehow, he spitballed that into an attack by a bunch of zombiefied Fred Flinstones on a sunny sidewalk, in what may be the series’ least-amusing no-budget digression. It made sense in someone’s head.

Nguyen built his career out of the money he made as a software salesman in Silicon Valley. This was reflected in Rod’s profession in the first movie, and his evolution (?) as a filmmaker leads to most of the chatter in the second film. The third effort, “Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle”, focuses on a love affair between two scientists and, oh boy. The two of them, Evan and Kim, meet cute, and again go through the same type of (bird-free) courtship as in the first two films. At this point, there’s something deeply sad about the idea that Nguyen believes there is only one very specific step-by-step way for a couple to get together.

The easy decision one could make is that one of these two characters are studying avian behavior, or maybe the bird flu, something related to the animals terrorizing the humans. But James Nguyen didn’t land where he is by making the easy decision. Instead, both leads are researching environmental and lifespan-related studies respectively, which lead to a number of droning discussions about global warming. Like Adam McKay, Nguyen seems concerned that not enough people have been listening to his concerns about the environment. So this movie is larded with humorless monologues about what global warming will do to the world. There’s also the assumption that to the people who have sat through all three of these movies, they’re hearing all this climate change discussion for the very first time. That’s a weird assumption to make considering these films’ culty fanbase. If you’re here for part three, you’ve got to be real damn devoted.

The birds eventually attack, including the title creature, and the effect is only slightly adjusted from the first film. Now, there is actual multi-dimensional movement from the birds, even if the effects never really seem like physical objects occupying actual space. It is rinse, repeat, repeat, and repeat, maybe this time with a pause for laughs. The first “Birdemic” was released in 2010, and “Sea Eagle” saw theaters in 2022. If you saw a three year old child eating crayons, would it be just as endearing to see them do the same at the age of fifteen?

Maybe that monotonous, unending environmental talk was to benefit prison officials. There wasn’t much climate-friendly behavior at the institutions I frequented, which isn’t a surprise considering these are federal institutions (though some argue decarceration and green practices are at a cross-purpose). The program I mentioned earlier, UNICOR, was dedicated to environmentally-safe products (at the cost of slave labor). But waste is a fact of life in institutions. You’ll notice the extra food, which many prisons could consider a potential black market (taking food out of the mess hall is prohibited). Instead of feeding extras to the inmates, officials will gladly have that food tossed out.

Generally, you’re going to go to an FCI and see recycling bins crammed to the top with generic garbage. I do not exaggerate – I saw dozens of recycling bins, and they were only used for garbage disposal. Perhaps those using them needed a sign of some sort. Perhaps they were there merely for the sake of presentation. You see a lot of cosmetic decisions like that being made in these institutions. I recall a new flat-screen TV placed in the hallway of the Education building one week, which showed a number of helpful scheduling announcements, menu decisions, news updates and interesting historical factoids. Turns out there was an inspection that week. Once the week was over, the TV was removed, never to return. They had gussied the place up well enough, thank you.